Testimony of Motherhood

Warning: This post could be long...

The picture above shows the two people with whom I share pretty much every minute of every day. They've stirred up a wide range of feelings in me over the past three-and-a-half years. They can drive me crazy at times, but they always--always--keep me sane in the end. They are a big part of what makes me absolutely exhausted by 7:00 in the evening, yet they're also the main reason I get up in the morning. No matter how bad or embarrassing a tantrum has been, nothing soothes my frazzled nerves or calms my anger like a pair of little arms wrapped around my neck in a gentle hug. I love these little punks--and I love being loved by them.

The past few months have been extremely challenging for me. I don't know if it was postpartum depression or loneliness from Tommy being gone so much or just a trial by fire, but I've really had a hard time. I've felt very inadequate as a wife and mother, and I got in the destructive habit of comparing myself to other women and moms around me. Why couldn't I figure out how to manage my time as well as others? Why wasn't I a better cook or a better crafter or a better housekeeper? Why couldn't I be as attractive as so-and-so or wear cute outfits that didn't have spit-up stains? Very, very destructive thoughts. I began looking back at my college years, when I'd had so much time to do what I wanted and spend more time on myself. I wondered what happened to that girl who had so many dreams, that girl who Tommy fell in love with. I thought of all the places I'd wanted to visit and the amazing things I wanted to do but never did because I got married and started a family.

Then a few weeks ago I came across an article online that was like a sharp slap in the face--a huge wake-up call. The article was about two women--mothers--who had decided they didn't want to be mothers anymore. One left a 20-year marriage and two children (ages 8 and 5) so that she could move halfway across the world and be a journalist. She had convinced herself that she could be a much better mother if she didn't have to worry about the everyday things that mothers can "lose themselves" in. She would be better able to help her children, celebrate their accomplishments, and offer great advice if she were at a distance, removed from all that "chaos." The other mother left a marriage of over 10 years and three children because she wanted to "make a difference in the world." Both felt that they had become better mothers for having left their children, for putting themselves first and doing what they wanted to do.

I felt an explosion of emotions as I read that article. I was angry that these women didn't think that mothers make a difference, that the work I do 24/7 doesn't account for much. I was disgusted that they had brought children into the world whom they weren't going to care for. I was ashamed that I myself had felt that I'd given up many wonderful opportunities in life when I became a mother. But I also became keenly aware of how very cunning the devil is. He's working hard to destroy families, and he has a sure way of destroying them if he can bring down the mothers. These women appealed to the feelings that I'm sure all mothers feel at some point: we deserve to be able to do what we want and be what we want, and we shouldn't let anyone stop us. It's natural to feel that way, especially after a long, hard, thankless day of taking care of kids who really don't seem to care how much effort you're putting in on their behalf. The natural man is powerful...and destructive. Satan doesn't have much power over us physically since he doesn't have a body, but he has incredible power over our thoughts. That has proven to be my weakest point, and I've struggled with it all my life. I've never been tempted to drink, smoke, do drugs, break the Law of Chastity, etc., but I struggle with destructive thoughts, especially when it comes to how I feel about myself.

I thought about that article for a couple of days, and then I read another article. In last month's Ensign, Sister Beck wrote an article on the doctrine of the family and how important it is for us to teach it to our children. I found so much comfort and peace, and I came to realize that I had indeed accomplished my two main goals in life: marry a worthy priesthood holder in the temple and become a mother in Zion. What better thing could I be doing with my time than raising these precious children and being "an help-meet" to my husband? No one can do that better than I, no matter how unfashionable my clothes are or how few exotic places I've visited. These thoughts carried me through several more days. Then one night I was standing at the kitchen sink, loading the dishwasher, when a scripture popped into my head. Matthew 10:39 suddenly had a whole new meaning to me:

He who seeketh to save his life shall ^blose it: and he that ^closeth his ^dlife for my sake shall find it. (JST)

I realized that that was what I needed to do in order to "find myself", the girl I've always wanted to be. My calling is Mother, it's what the Lord wants me to be. I need to lose myself in motherhood, in rearing and nurturing these children that Heavenly Father has trusted me with. How great the wisdom and the love of our Father in Heaven! He gave us families so that through service, sacrifice, and love we can come to see and love not only others, but also ourselves as He does. I know that there is no higher calling than Motherhood, and I'm so grateful that I've been blessed and trusted with such a sacred and rewarding role.